Reactionary

I’m in the airport lounge waiting for the flight to take off and ruminating once again over what I’ve just been through. The experience always erodes any faith in humanity I may have. People, be smart. If you’re too fat or too stupid to navigate the maze of the security check, you shouldn’t been flying.

If you are, these rules should help you figure it out. If more than, say, two apply to you, you’re probably not ready for airplane travel.

1. You wear a baseball cap and you are over 12 and not physically at this very moment going to a baseball game. If your cap is on backwards and you are over 12 and not at this moment going to a game, stop reading this immediately. You are instantly disqualified. If that cap is appropriate wear to you, you should be on that infamous No Fly list and there should be a warrant out for your arrest.

2. Your so-called carryon is bigger than a cocker spaniel and you cannot easily lift it over your head without help from your fellow passengers. You plan on blocking the plane’s miniature hallway while you attempt to park the monstrosity in the bulkhead.

3. You have been mistaken for a wigwam by schoolchildren.

4. You cannot understand and comply with the liquid packing rule either because you cannot understand the picture and 3rd grade reading level instructions printed on anything semi-permanent at the airport. You think they somehow do not apply to you, or you somehow missed all the news about it a couple of years ago and therefore you must really be a member of one of those tribes in the Amazon rainforest and therefore you should be further ingratiated into modern society before attempting to board a plane by yourself.

P.S. Your arrows tipped with curare won’t pass security muster either.

5. You missed the memo on the whole Laptop Rule thing even though that one’s been on the books the longest.

6. You are accompanied by screaming wild animals who you affectionately call your children. Please see a shrink immediately.

7. You find the airport bathrooms and those in your home unfit for your use so the ones on the plane must be used immediately… and just after takeoff. You will ignore the seatbelt rule.

8. You wear socks with your sandals.

9. You thought the time printed on your boarding pass was merely a suggestion. You thought you had options.

10. And in honor of the news today: You are now or soon will file for foreclosure or bankruptcy because it was all somone else’s fault. You were only supposed to sign a paper and be scott free. Research and education is for wusses.

If the first rule or any combination of two of the others apply to you, get off my plane. And if you can do anything about deleting your presence on the planet altogether, that would really help. If we’re going to harpoon the planet with a heavy carbon footprint with this flight, let’s not waste it.

Keep you seatbelt securely fastened.

October 23rd, 2008 | Category: Life, Rant, Travels |  Print |  Send it | Subscribe to comments | Leave a comment | Trackback URL