Reactionary

I’m with one day left to go in this Week From Hell. My fuse is nonexistent and anything and everything drives me into a knee-knocking panic or a flying rage. Ah, fatigue. What it does for your life. 

These are the dog days of summer early. I can barely keep my eyes open because of all the hours I’ve been working and yet I can’t sleep. House hunting has me climbing walls. Now that I think I’ve found a realtor, how do I essentially fire everyone else I interviewed? What’s the etiquette? My homeowner friends have no insight on this. No one else has been as gung-ho as me in interviewing realtors to find the right one. Walking into a broker’s office has worked for everyone. That’s all fine and good, but that approach doesn’t work for me. I’m a micromanipulator, over-educated, over-stressed, and over-anxious of being had or wasting one dime of my hard-earned money. Maybe it’s because not knowing something frightens me more than anything else and I get performance anxiety when I torture myself thinking if only I had made one more phone call or talked to one more person I would have gotten a better deal. Spending $50 always prompts self-flagellation and second thoughts. Imagine spending a quarter of a million.

It doesn’t help that I have no one to help me. People usually have their families to help them out either financially or otherwise. I’ve known now that I’m cursed with one of the most useless bunch of people on this earth as my family. Not a one has money to call their own nor can they make their own sound life decisions. Long ago I learned the maxim by which I live: TRUST NO ONE. I don’t because I never could. If you want something done (forget done right, I’d settle for done) you really do have to do it yourself. This is the biggest thing I’ve ever done and I can’t count on a single person to so much as help me move. I’m past hating them. I just ignore them now.

Today, I was convinced I’d signed up to work an extra four hours. I was kicking myself that I’d done that because, hell, I’ve already worked nearly 30 hours of overtime. But when I went to check with the office to see if she’d need me for the afternoon, she said I wasn’t on the list (and they were utilizing everyone who signed up). I felt a great weight lifted off my shoulders. She asked me if I wanted to stay (they always need more help in the summer), but I said no. God knows I was there the entire weekend in a long torture that just would not end. If indeed I had signed up for the extra OT today and she’d said I was on the list and needed, I would have honored it, but it was nice to say, “No, I’m going home,” and walk away.

I skipped the gym, too. I feel guilty about that but I had to write back the realtors I’m still toying with about some listings they’d sent. I really need to get that started. August will be here before I know it and then I’ll have to make the biggest decision I’ve ever made. I have no one to help me. I have to stress out the way I do so what needs to get done, gets done.

I’m off to eat chocolate and watch computer TV.

Posted on July 10th, 2008 under Life, Rant •  Print •  Email • RSS 2.0 feed • Leave a response, or trackback