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Leaving Theodora

The number of tears willfully unshed are accumulating faster than the dried leaves on the ground.

I’m typing this on my laptop that’s sitting on top of my desk. My laptop, Julian, is occupying space where a keyboard would once sit. It’s empty this afternoon. This morning I packed up my beloved iMac G5 and rewrapped it in its original packaging and took it into the local Apple reseller. I hate parting with things I love and I adored that computer. Not only has it been the best-looking computer I’ve ever owned, its arrival also marked one of the most wildly serendipitous days of my life. May 14, 2004.

When I think of all that’s happened since then, it seems so long ago, but I remember details of that day better than I remember last week. That was the day of Daniel, the U2 ticket, the hammer of justice, and the new computer. It was my first desktop since 1999 and it’s the first to leave the tight circle of family and friends. It predates the built in camera but its white and chrome design is far and away my favorite look of Apple computers. I named it Theodora thanks to my reading a history of Constantinople. It also marks the end of my desktops having female names.

The new one, which will be delivered Monday, is the new chrome and black look, glossy screen, and 24 inches diagonally. It’s as big as my TV and I think I’ll name it with a boy’s name because of its masculine coloring. I don’t know yet what its name will be.

I felt like a bad mother today, though. A faithless friend. A backstabber. I took my old friend in, my main squeeze, the boss of my digital life. I dropped her off among techies who will never care for her the way I do. They’ll dump her hard disc and resell her to some student. I just hope no one scratches her screen or jams pennies into her Superdrive. I hope someone cleans her keyboard with compressed air like I did, that someone buffs all fingerprints away, that someone refuses to drag her keyboard across a desk, scratching the underneath. I hope she goes to a good home and that someone comes to depend on her the way I did. I hope her new owner loves her the way I did. Justinian, a firewire hard disc full of movies and photographs, still sits on the corner of this desk, but its mate is gone.

I’ll probably be disgusted at this post tomorrow but it’s been a week that’s left me emotionally labile. Doing away with the central object in my entire home brings out the worst. I’ve always loved my Macs and I think I loved this one the most.

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